Ever since I was young my dad has been in and out of my life, leaving me feeling disappointed and rejected, and lacking that ‘manly’ love. When I was younger I never felt brave enough to tell him how I really felt so I would just let him back in each time and hope that things would change. Now that I’m older and able to stand up for myself, I decided I would put my foot down and not allow it anymore, as its just too emotionally exhausting with all of broken promises over the years. My breaking point was on the day of my birthday waiting around for the person who helped create me to wish me a happy day. It never happened. This wasn’t the first time, but I was certain it would be the last time I wait around for it to happen. I decided to start ignoring his calls, messages and just pretending he doesn’t exit, not realising slowly but sure the resentment and bitterness in my heart was growing. Who’s tried serving God with bitterness in your heart ? You don’t get very far right. I had said to a few people my dad doesn’t ‘deserve’ to come to my graduation when that time does come, as he has never contributed to the success, and he doesn’t ‘deserve’ to walk me down the aisle when my big day arrives, as he has never held my hand to be able to give it away to anyone. There was a big question mark about whether he would even be able to meet my kids as I didn’t want them to experience disappointment like I did.
Then the deepest conviction struck me.
Do I ‘deserve’ Gods love ? His mercy & grace? For all the times I’ve made promises and vows to God, to then turn around and break them. Do I deserve to be in his presence and worship him? Do I deserve to be trusted with his mighty plans and purpose, when with a drop of a hat I could turn around and curse him and blame him for everything wrong in my life? The answer is no. I do not deserve Gods love but he loves me unconditionally anyway. I do not deserve his forgives but his grace covers me anyway. If God is SO merciful towards me why am I so harsh to those who continuously do me wrong? Is he not just a mere human like me. I came across the scripture; Matthew 18:21-35, which talks about a man who owed his master money but upon pleading with the master, the master had mercy on him and cleared his debt. But the same man who had just received pardon met another man who owed him money and instead of extending that mercy he locked him up. When this news got back to the master he called for the man he pardoned and questioned why he did had not have mercy on his fellow neighbour as he had had mercy on him. The master then threw him into jail until his debt could be repaid. The scriptures then goes on to explain that so shall our heavenly father deal with anyone who does not ‘freely forgive your brother from your heart his offenses’. upon reading this a deep sense of reverential fear set in and I had no choice but to repent then and there and let go of every bitterness in my heart.
I’m not saying its done there and everything will now go on to be rosey, but I have made the conscious decision to extend the mercy I receive daily unto those who do me wrong. God loves us that we may love others. He forgives us that we may forgive others. I don’t want his mercy to be taken from me just for the simple fact I refuse to extend it onto others, because I don’t know about you but I desperately need his mercy.
Be blessed 🙂